Happiness: Did We Get It Right? -Section II

Same two authors, two different viewpoints: Can they come to the same place?

The idea of this post was born out of our previous collaborative post (Happiness: Did We Get It Right?), which came to existence when Jose, who writes about fearlessness, and Jane, who writes about happiness and well-being, joined forces to explore happiness and how it may relate to fear and fearlessness.

Jose suggested that "Happiness is what is revealed when we drop our fears, anxieties, and resistance to the circumstances as they are today", while Jane had a slightly different perspective, seeing the above as not yet happiness itself, but a "foundation on which happiness may be built”.

We see this difference as an opportunity to delve deeper into what happiness is, especially as it is related to fear, anxiety, other negative emotions/unhappiness, and external circumstances.

Thus, we decided to collaborate again, this time in the form of a conversation.

So Jose, could you first elaborate on your position on happiness? How is it that when we drop fears, anxieties, and resistance, we will reveal happiness?

Jose:

There are moments in life when we experience a deep sense of happiness—sometimes even love. It might happen during a live choir concert, when we’re surprised by the beauty of nature, or when we fall in love. In those moments, something shifts: our mind calms, and in that stillness, peace and joy seem to arise spontaneously.

Our conventional assumption is that these external events—the music, the landscape, the person—cause our happiness. We often say things like, “That concert made me feel alive,” or “I love that person,” as if joy or love are directed outward as if they originate from the object of our attention.

But what if it’s the other way around?

What if those experiences simply help our mind settle, and in that calm, happiness naturally emerges from within us?

It’s in our nature to externalize our experience. We believe, for example, that a red balloon is red—but in truth, it only appears that way because of how it reflects light. The balloon absorbs all other colors and reflects red wavelengths, which our eyes and brain interpret as “red.” So we’re not seeing the balloon’s true color, nor the colors it absorbs—we’re seeing the light it reflects.

If such a subtle confusion exists even in how we perceive color, perhaps our experience of happiness follows a similar pattern.

Happiness, to me, isn’t necessarily a state of excitement or constant joy. It’s more like a quiet clarity, a soft well-being that naturally appears when fear, anxiety, and resistance fall away. Like the sun behind the clouds, it may always be present but hidden. What we often interpret as “something making us happy” may actually just be a moment when the clouds clear and we notice the sun is there all along.

So, when I say that happiness is revealed when fear and resistance drop, I don’t mean we acquire happiness. I mean we uncover what was already quietly waiting underneath.

But this brings up an important question:
Is it possible to feel happy while being anxious, distressed, or even in a state of deep depression?

Jane, maybe something we can explore together is the contrast of happiness—what it is, and what it is not.

To me, happiness is not a peak emotion, but a subtle state—a sense of satisfaction, acceptance, and a readiness for experiences like joy, laughter, or even tranquility. It’s spacious rather than intense. And it feels more like an opening than a reaction.

I’d love to hear your take on all this.

Jane:

Beautifully said, Jose!

I like the color perception analogy.

Right, many of us might not realize that when we see, for example, a red apple, the red color does not originate from the apple, but is the reflected red light.

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Our eyes are fooled. We see a red apple, but the color red is not from the apple.

So when we consider red as a nature of the apple itself, it is quite a misconception.

Similarly for happiness. There are many misconceptions when we perceive happiness.

Particularly if we look at appearances and not at the true nature (where appearances are like the reflected light, from an external source, not the true nature of the apple).

For example, when we see people with money appear to have a lot of enjoyment, or can have things we want but can't have, we may perceive that they must be happy, and happiness is the nature of their lives.

And since that comes with having money, so money has to be the source of happiness, right?

But the "a lot of enjoyment" and other privileges may just be reflections of money, an external factor, creating an appearance of their lives that can fool our perceptions.

There might be things much more to the core, or the true nature, of their lives that are far from happiness.

In fact, research on the “very wealthy” showed that they are barely happier than average people; some even maintain that money decreased their happiness.

This reminds us that seeing money (even lots of money like in the case of the “very wealthy”) as the source of happiness is quite an illusion or misperception.

When perceiving happiness in ourselves, we may also be mistaken.

Still using money as an example: We may feel thrilled, say, to have a large bonus, or to win a sizable lottery. And we may perceive that as happiness.

Well, it is not strange that we may feel overjoyed in such moments.

But that might be just reflections of our needs (to secure necessities), or our wants (fulfill material desires beyond needs);

Or maybe a triumphant relief from the sense of “deprivation” from comparing to people who have things we could not get previously (e.g., “Now I can get a house even bigger than the Joneses’!”).

But do those define the nature of our lives?

Or, are they what our true happiness is like?

And do they even last long enough to represent our lives?

In fact, even major lottery winners are not happier just one year after winning than before winning.

Many of them even get into debt before long, and they actually have a much higher bankruptcy rate than average people within three to five years!

The nature of those “winners’” lives certainly did not change for the better!

So yes, I agree, Jose, that happiness does not come from external things (such as “Money, music…, other people”), because happiness is an internal, subjective feeling.

Is It True that Happiness Can Only Be Found from Within?

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Agree too, that happiness is primarily not about those peak feelings (thrill, overjoy….)

Though in my view, some peak feelings, if not superficial, could be (a small) part of happiness, as they are positive feelings.

Also aligned with your notion, it is very true that when we are preoccupied with fears or anxieties, etc., our ability to experience happiness may be hindered.

So to answer your “important question” above, yes, it is indeed hard to “feel happy while being anxious, distressed, or even in a state of deep depression";

Just if I may add "deeply" or “severely” in front of "anxious" and "distressed", as the levels are a key.

Two questions came to mind for you:

1. Would we need to drop all anxieties, distress, fears, etc., to feel happy?

2. If we could drop all anxieties, fears, and distress, etc., would we certainly achieve happiness?

You pretty much have answered the second question, with such elegance, in the Sun-clouds analogy.

Though in our slight difference, to me happiness still needs to be cultivated after removing obstacles.

Or to borrow the Sun and clouds and make my own version of an analogy:

Happiness in our natural self is like a seedling - If the Sun (an essential, external, positive condition) keeps being heavily blocked by dark clouds (severe, external, negative conditions), the seedling would not grow or thrive;

Yet with the clouds (“anxieties, fears, distress, etc.”) cleared up, and sunshine plentiful, we still would need to cultivate the seedling (watering, fertilizing, etc.) for it to grow and thrive.

In other words, removing negativities brings us to neutral, but we need positivity to thrive.

So that leaves the first question for you, if you see it worthy of some discussion: “Would we need to drop all anxieties, distress, fears, etc., to feel happy?”

And certainly, it would be great to hear yours, and our dear readers’ views or rebuttals to my other points above as well.

Jose:

Two interesting ideas come to mind when reading your message.

One thing is what our mind says; another is what reality actually is.
As humans, we do have the capacity to create the conditions to thrive, but that doesn’t mean thriving depends only on those conditions. And it certainly doesn’t mean we always know how to meet them.

One:
We tend to believe our thoughts by default. We identify with them and assume we are what we think. And yet, we rarely see how easily our thoughts are influenced.

If we think our situation isn’t right, we feel unhappy, and we work hard to change it. But that effort is often born from an unquestioned assumption: “Something is wrong.”

Where is that judgment coming from? Are we aware that we can feel happy even under unfavorable circumstances?

When repeated, that assumption becomes a belief: “To be happy, I need certain conditions to be met.”

But in reality, we’ve all seen poor children playing football with a soda can, radiating joy. And we’ve also seen billionaires who are lost, restless, and unsure of what else to try to finally feel happy.

Our thoughts are just descriptions of reality, not reality itself.
But our ignorance keeps us from seeing that. And still, we treat our thoughts as fact.

Two:
I see human life as an adventure—an experience of discovering who we are through trials, errors, and unexpected turns.

It often seems like knowledge is a necessary limitation: it opens our minds, but then subtly restricts them.
The more we know, the more comparisons we make—and every comparison can be used to discredit our situation, our abilities, or even who we are.

So yes, we can cultivate happiness, and we can create supportive conditions. But maybe all that effort brings us to a quiet realization: that no effort is ultimately needed. Especially when we see that many external conditions are beyond our control.

So the question becomes: How can we be happy with the circumstances of today?

As a gardener, I often see plants growing in the “wrong” place—sometimes under the shadow of a wall or a larger tree. They grow slowly, stretching toward the light. Their shape is not perfect. But after a few years, they bloom.

Who are we to say that the plant didn’t achieve its potential?
Who are we to say that its first flower is not beautiful, true, or… happy?

After writing this, I feel like we might all be trying to standardize happiness—to put it in a box and tell everyone it’s the result of a formula.

But if we’re doing that, aren’t we risking the richness of diverse happiness styles?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to develop the capacity to feel some level of happiness, no matter the circumstances?

.                                        A corner of Jose’s Orchard  (Credit: Jose)

Jane:

Yes, we can feel happy even under unfavorable circumstances. Jose, you are absolutely right!

By that, you also answered the question left in my earlier response. So we do not need to remove all unfavorable circumstances to be happy. This may include negative feelings, if we see them as unfavorable conditions to happiness.

This is counter-intuitive, however, to many people who associate unfavorable circumstances with unhappiness.

Also to people who consider unhappiness as being the opposite of happiness - If you are unhappy, you cannot be happy at the same time, the “intuition” goes.

There are at least two misconceptions here, for lack of understanding of the following:

1. Unfavorable circumstances are not directly associated with unhappiness.

Unfavorable circumstances are external conditions, they ONLY become our feelings through our internal processing.

That is, how we interpret them and emotionally respond to them determine how unhappy we are, or whether we are unhappy at all, about them.

Our internal processing is informed by our experiences AS WELL AS our inner making and processing tendencies (e.g., our explanatory styles).

So the same unfavorable circumstances may be experienced in one person as very unhappy, while in another, not so much, or not much at all (e.g., if they have gotten used to them, or, have seen others having even worse, or, (this is what we can cultivate:) have optimistic outlooks and skills.)

2. Unhappiness and happiness are not exclusive to each other.

While living with unfavorable circumstances may lead to some unhappiness, one can still experience happiness at the same time.

Harvard social scientist, Arthur Brooks, emphasized that happiness is not the absence of unhappiness, but the ability to hold both and still move forward with meaning.

For example, research found that poor Filipino families mostly reported being happy or very happy.

We can be sure that poverty has brought them unpleasant or unhappy experiences.

However, they reported deriving happiness from family togetherness, faith, good health, and contentment.

Neuro-science evidence supports that, showing that happiness and unhappiness are processed in different regions of the brain, though with some overlapping.

That is why we can experience happiness and unhappiness at the same time.

That’s also another reason that being in unfavorable circumstances does not exclude one from achieving happiness.

The examples you used, Jose, that poor children can be seen happily playing while some very wealthy people are miserable, helps demonstrate the above two points.

.                                                                                           (Credit: Craiyon)

However, people often do not get that, which is also because of a misconception -The wealthy must be happy, the poor unhappy; So to be happy, we need more money.

This is a conception disapproved many times in research, but still persists wide and deep in our society.

We now see that we frequently have misconceptions about the relationships between circumstances, unhappiness, and happiness; even more so about happiness in general.

What touched above are just a few examples. There are many more that we won’t have room to discuss here, some of which are included in Myths and Misconceptions.

That goes with your point that things we believe, however widely-held or persisting, might not be the reality, but our perceptions, even misunderstandings, of the reality.

That is one of the major reasons for my writing here, to help bring those misunderstandings or misperceptions about happiness to the attention of “happiness builders”.

It is like the needs of clearing the ground before building a house, identifying any unsupportive spots where the foundation needs to be, and excluding any faulty building materials (hidden problems research can reveal), etc.

All for a more solid construction and successful building.

This comes to your second point:

Are knowledge and effort needed for achieving happiness?

My humble opinion is: Yes, the right knowledge and effort are needed, or can be very helpful.

For example: Knowledge for overcoming “Myths and Misconceptions”, and further, for providing empirical evidence to guide the pursuit of happiness, and teaching the “test-and-true” skills that may facilitate the pursuit.

Effort needed? To carry out such “overcoming” and “pursuing” with those learned skills.

So cultivating, or building happiness is not so much about following a formula, or fitting into a box, nor even about creating external conditions.

It is about mental clarity (e.g., clearing of misconceptions), about following guidance of scientific evidence (what has worked, what has not), and building capacities (research-proven effective skills).

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Now let’s revisit your garden.

.                                                                                 (Credit: Jose)

I love your inspiring description of your plants stretching toward the light, growing and blooming, in spite of being in unfavorably shadowed places.

I appreciate, too, your points of leaving lives to develop naturally, and letting them enjoy the diverse forms of reaching their potentials.

On the other hand, while some plants might be growing in the shadows unfavorable to them, many do not grow there (the seeds or seedlings just die off), or do not grow healthily to bloom, which they naturally desire to.

Those you see that eventually grow to blooming?

Yes, they are beautiful; they are the stars; they probably have pushed beyond their natural potentials given their circumstances; and they do so through their effort (“stretching toward the light”, etc.)

What can or should science do in this scenario?

Instead of diminishing them for not being as “perfect” as those that grow faster or bloom bigger in the full sun, science can study the internal strengths enabling them to stretch and grow and bloom in spite of their unfavorable circumstances.

And the knowledge from such studies may help those that did not grow as well in the same circumstances.

And it may help the “stars” themselves also (by enhancing their strengths identified in the studies);

And it may even help those growing in the full sun, so they can be less full-light dependent when needed.

Same as what the sciences of happiness are doing, in part:

To study the natural strengths in people, particularly those who thrive in unfavorable circumstances;

To use the knowledge gained from the studies to educate all people;

And to study and disseminate what works to help instill those strengths in other people who need them.

….

So, from all of the above, although our viewpoints might seem quite different, I do not see them as opposing each other.

I see a coming-together emerging:

Jose and Jane

We both agree on:

• Our many persisting beliefs might not be the reality, but could be “myths or misconceptions”;

• Happiness is not so much about peak moments, but more about quiet contentment and joy;

• Happiness does not come from external things such as money, nor from other people;

• We can have happiness while being in unfavorable circumstances;

• It is wonderful (per Jose) and possible (per Jane and per science) to develop capacities for happiness in whatever circumstance;

• We both love Jose’s plants that stretch toward the light and grow to beautiful blooming despite adversity.

• ….

Our different viewpoints coming together:

While Jose emphasizes on respecting our natural being, and appreciating lives’ natural strengths and the “richness of diverse happiness styles”,

Jane’s point is to use science’s help to correctly understand, and effectively promote, our natural being and natural strengths.

That is science’s way of respecting our nature, so we won’t be misguided by “myths or misconceptions”, and we can effectively enhance our natural strengths and natural being.

All is for reaching our individual style of happiness!

So what are your thoughts, our dear reader?

All the above might not seem to have come down to a “practical dose”, but here it is:

Remember Jose’s plants that stretch for the light while in the shadow;

Remember you can enhance the internal strengths you have against adversity.

You Have an Internal "Signature"!

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Check out our first collaborative article as well, that led to the current one.

Happiness - did we get it right?

Don’t forget to follow and subscribe to Jose’s inspirational publications!

Growing Fearless is an Adventure | Jose Antonio Morales | Substack

Selfies For Peace | Jose Antonio Morales | Substack

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And Jane’s practical and/or futuristic ones:

Build Happiness with Dr. Jane - One Practical Dose A Week! | Jane Xu, PhD, MPH, MS | Substack

The Well-being Society | Jane Xu, PhD, MPH, MS | Substack

See you next week!